Unless you’ve been living on a desert island you will no doubt be aware of the Coronavirus pandemic. (Covid19.)
Many countries across the world are in lockdown and many people have been told to stay at home. However, there is one group of people my heart cries for at this time.
They are the victims of domestic abuse. On Sundays, we do a ladies self-defence class and we have a disproportionate number of women who are victims of domestic violence.
All too often their self-confidence is at an all-time low and they’ve ended up in a vicious circle of comfort eating, putting on weight and low self-esteem. Therefore we get them on our live online streamed fitness classes Mums in mind We live stream fitness classes across the net at 9:15pm when the kids are in bed. (We do a generous charity affiliate programme too!) Despite the advice of our business coaches we only charge £1 per day taking a payment of £7.50 per week. The reason being it’s so low that hopefully, an abusive partner won’t notice.
The number of cases of domestic abuse has rocketed during this crisis. Now it must not be forgotten that men can be victims of domestic abuse too.
What can be done
Although it pains me to extract a video from The Sun’s youtube channel please see this video from Samantha Jago solicitor, a partner at DMH Stallard giving practical advice.
I’ll never buy that rag. I was at the Hillsborough Disaster on 15th April 1989 and I’ll never forgive them for what they wrote about my fellow Liverpool supporters. However, this video partly atones for it.
Advice from the Home Secretary
The UK Home Secretary, Priti Patel is doing a fine job and she truly has taken the bull by the horns.
If you are in immediate danger then you need to dial 999 and press 55 if you can’t talk. The police will get you to a place of safety.
Otherwise, call the national domestic abuse helpline which is 0808 2000 247.
What types of domestic abuse are there?
The abusive partner spreads negative information about their partner online. In some cases sharing explicit sexual photos of their partner online without their consent. I even know of young men of Asian background videoing their sisters in the shower and sending copies to their friends.
This is physical abuse where they hit the partner, sometimes this can be fatal.
Emotional- sometimes called mental abuse.
All too often the partner is toxic and exhibits several of the following characteristics. These characteristics are very common in people of South East Asian or Arabic background. Why do you think I would NEVER go out with an Asian woman?
- Nothing you do is good enough for them.
- They comment on the slightest flaw or perceived imperfection.
- They drag up the past and won’t let you be any different.
- They leave you feeling guilty and ashamed of who you are.
- They are critical, controlling and don’t think about your needs.
- They leave you feeling beaten, wounded, battered, bruised and torn.
- They violate your boundaries, and never respect “no.”
- They don’t care about your feelings and like to see you suffer.
- It’s always about them, and what they think and want.
- They constantly deny that they have ever behaved in the above fashion.
Now it is important to recognise that when one partner has had a barrage of such abuse for years they can retaliate violently especially when the abuser doesn’t think they’ve done anything wrong.
I have personal experience of a lady who was like this with her husband and after a while, he hit back. Sometimes when I show this to such women they understand that they have elicited the behaviour in their partner.
With such a partner you lose respect very quickly, neglect soon follows and it goes into a downward spiral very quickly.
One partner neglects their responsibilities to the other. At first, it starts off as something trivial but it does build up to such an extent that they are in a loveless relationship and try to avoid one another.
I do security at an adult swingers club and I see this among the clientele all the time. They cheat on their partners and they feel awful afterwards but they describe the above and they find comfort in the arms of another person.
The behaviour ranges.
There is overlap between this an online in that one partner shares explicit photographs of the partner online. They also share intimate conversations with others.
I know of cases where men have forced their girlfriends to have sex with other men without consent, sometimes forcing them to consume alcohol or illegal drugs. At the adult club I do security at if I see any lady there I always check and ask if they are there under their own free will. If I have any doubt I get that lady to a place of safety. It is rare but there have been cases of women doing this to men.
I also know of cases where women have been forced against their will to marry people they don’t want to. They don’t want to have sex with their husband and end up being raped. This is very common in cultures where child marriages are common. How can a young girl who is not even 10 years old give informed consent to such things?
The worst-case was a lady who is very dear to me. I had no idea of this but one day I was visiting and I found her laying on top of her daughter. She was trying to protect her from a beating from the father for refusing a forced marriage.
On seeing this I intervened and gave this guy the beating of his life!
However, a few years later the young daughter showed her mother a video of two Jewish women getting married. The mother broke down and even her knees gave way.
It came out that she knew from the age of 13 she was into girls and not boys. However, on finding out her family forced her to marry someone 25 years older who can only be described as the world’s most misogynist man. He violated her in every way possible.
On finding out we helped her get divorced. She’s now very happily married to a woman. Ironically her wife is a divorce lawyer!
It can happen to men as well.
I know one man who is a cross dresser-he’s a really nice guy but his wife openly and brazenly cheats on him because of it. He earns a lot of money. She has a child who is not her husbands, she frequently hires hotel rooms to sleep with her lovers and she regularly books holidays with her lover at the time and gets hubby to pay for it knowing he cannot nor will not dare do anything about it because of the embarrassment of it coming out.
In my experience, I have seen many cases of where an abusive partner says “Go on leave me but how will you pay the bills? How will you raise and feed YOUR kids?” The abusive partner restricts access to the joint bank account or won’t let them work. This leads the victim with very little leeway to do anything.
This is very common in cultures where traditionally the man is the main wage earner.
It is very common in some communities to force their children into a marriage they don’t want. To my mind forced marriage and arranged marriage are one and the same thing. It’s always done for family honour or financial reasons. Trust me when I say it’s big business!
In fact, I remember when my family in India were trying to get me into an arranged marriage. They kept saying that the number of divorces in such marriages is much lower. However then they contradicted themselves in saying that in India there is no social security and as such if a woman leaves a man she has no financial security. It’s no wonder the divorce rate is lower!
The irony here is that my family in India said yes before I’d even met the lady. I said no on three grounds. Firstly at the time, I had a girlfriend. Secondly, she was Indian (obviously!) and lastly she was a doctor. There is no way I am going out with a doctor!
Signs to look out for in domestic abuse victims
Victims of domestic abuse may show signs of;
- physical injuries
- excuses for frequent injuries
- stress, anxiety or depression
- absent from work and social occasions
- personality changes — being jumpy or nervous
- low self-esteem
- lack of independent communication
- increased alcohol or drug use
- lack of money
- damage to property.
Signs to look out for in an abuser
Every case of domestic abuse is different but there signs suggesting someone may be abusing you, which can include but aren’t limited to;
- controlling behaviour
- being forced into a sexual act
- constant yelling and shouting
- the threat or use of violence
- destroying personal items
- limiting contact with family, friends and work colleagues
- checking up on your whereabouts
- accusing you, the victim, of committing the abuse when it is the other way around.
What can be done?
In my experience.
First of all, be very careful who you go out with. Ladies — NEVER go out with anyone from a culture where they mistreat women.
Secondly, learn self-defence and become competent at a full-contact martial art like this lady!
Join the full-time mother programme to avoid financial abuse and give yourself more options.
Minimum wage is £7.83 per hour for those over 25.
Let’s assume you work for 40 hours per week
That equates to £313.20 per week.
After-tax and national insurance that works out at £274.38.
Childcare per child is £45 per child per day.
Assuming you work for 5 days that works out at £225 per week.
Hence a mother who returned to work would take home £274.38-£225= £49.38 per week.
That works out at £1.23 per hour over a 40 hour week.
Many people are on zero-hour contracts so they don’t know one week to the next if they have work.
Inflation is 3%. Wage rises if you are lucky are 1%. Hence your wages are worthless and less.
Hence many people cannot afford to have kids.
Worse still many people can’t afford to put anything into a private pension. So they retire on the state pension of £113 per week- around 40% of what they were struggling to live on to start with. Hence so many pensioners work in supermarkets.
I help young ladies (and gentlemen!) to earn more money using legal methods so they can afford to be full-time parents. In many cases, I have helped them replace their income so that they are financially free. Some get a 1–2% pay rise every month. Many people are lucky if they get a 1% pay rise a year.
Donald J Trump was once asked what would he do if he lost everything and had to start all over again.
Please go to http://www.doyouwanttobeafulltimemother.com
- Domestic abuse websites experience surge in requests since lockdown | ITV News 6th April 2020 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4Haltn28EU
- Rise in domestic abuse from COVID-19 lockdown and what you can do about it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jv5EEP0Mq68
- Priti Patel announces help for domestic abuse victims during lockdown 11th April 2020 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=69XVUWvb3fM
- Signs of domestic abuse (Cambridgeshire police) https://www.cambs.police.uk/information-and-services/Domestic-abuse/Domestic-abuse-signs#TypesDomesticAbuse